I can’t really say at the moment whether my life sucks or it’s great. By one account, it sucks. I’m adrift. I have no idea where my career is going. I could yet be a success … or a complete loser. The crystal ball is all smudged and hard to see into.
“He’s really going places,” is not something I hear; rather, “so what exactly is your plan?” Honestly, not really sure. Science is a hard mistress. I’m not entirely sure I want to shack up with such a fickle bitch. If I am successful, it will be a niche. Where and what niche remains elusive.
Continuing on the ‘my life sucks’ theme, I am often lonely. I can get into my work but find it hard to share. If I try, I get dumbfounded looks and ‘uh, that’s interesting.’ I have a disconnected, fragmented network of friends. I don’t have a boyfriend. I haven’t found the proverbial love of my life, the mutual click that makes the mundane euphoric. ‘In a world where… ’ we put our lives together like legos, mine’s a fucking mess. I’m the ADHD kid that makes some monstronsity while eating paste, life designed by Dali.
And yet, for all the suckiness, there is excitement and freedom. Messiness breeds potential. Like a 22 year old fresh from college, my future is filled with possibility. I may be lost, but the world feels fresh. Dating may be hit and miss, mostly miss, but provides adventure. Every person is a miniature world of possibility, of negotiation and exploration. Some fail, some fizzle, some offer up aspects of what I am looking for … I haven’t yet happened on that person that just rocks my world (well… nevermind), but I’m a hard match.
So my life sucks, for sure. Yet, historically, every time I have my life together, I get bored. Confusion can be liberating. Adrift with uncertain priorities, I live much more in the present. When I have my proverbial shit together, I live too much in the future, grinding my present into daily lists of things to do. No more lists. I’ll stick with the present for now and let the future arise, as it will.
